Broken - rehome

I am rehoming this post from my adoptee site:

BROKEN RELATIONSHIPS ARE THE ADOPTEE NORM, RIGHT?

Posted on October 10, 2018

I’m going through a divorce.  Married for 3 1/2 years. I’m 53 years old.

My 3rd divorce. And I had a long 7-year relationship in there too, that ended in 2011.  So lets call this 4 “real” relationships in my life.  And a few others in there with some deep feelings too.  Yep, like a stream of destruction in my wake…

How am I on the road to either Elizabeth Taylor, or the crazy cat lady when that’s so not what I want… or need… or ever my intention?  Did my broken-ness cause this?

I read a 2017 post from a fellow adult adoptee and therapist recently.

This paragraph really hit me between the eyes:

“When rejected, I go weak, lose access to my strengths in a way that can feel dangerous, threatening my life force. All it takes is a conflict with a loved one or the sense I’ve made an unforgivable mistake. I buckle at the knees and pull in, as if my place on earth is in jeopardy. I can lose a whole night of sleep in a fight/flight response to my Kryptonite, and when that takes over, the world loses me.”

(you can read her whole article here: The Extraordinary Superpowers)

I waited 18 years to get remarried.  I was with him for 2 years before getting married, I didn’t run off in the initial romance phase all giddy.  I observed, I was in complete partnership with him.  We worked the 5 1/2 years together as a couple, a trust each other couple.

I thought I really had someone who loved me this time.  Looking back I’m seeing more of the ignored red flags, denial coping skills employed, and a sense that I compromised my principles, and helped him get away with bailing on his first wife when that was the wrong thing to do.  That right there is it’s own post.

It’s been 99 days since he declared how he was going to go sleep with some chick  down at the bar, how his friends at the bar didn’t like me, how he didn’t love me anymore and stormed out of the house.   If I hear another “Don’t look back, get over it. Move on.” comment from my 30-year married friends and cousins I’m going to scream.  So I figured, venting here and getting some of this out was better than screaming on social media.  And maybe some of my fellow adoptees can relate.

It’s a thing this not being able to bond.  Is that it?  I don’t bond right?

Most days I’m OK.  I’ve got so many other aspects to my current shit-storm that this pales in comparison.  But it nags at me from the little box I have it put away in, and when I think on it a little the wave of panic and pain hits me and I tear up.  More later – but to the universe – thanks for listening.