Epiphany possible?

Perhaps it was the Jupiter and Pluto conjunction. April 4th (and again June 30 and Nov 12)
Maybe it's just this unrelenting stress pressing down with the Covid19
putting pressure on us all, with our health and economically.

I've got some inkling and ideas that some big changes in the way we work, live, interact may have some lasting deep changes here.  More work from home.  More online get togethers. More understanding that big office buildings and infrastructure might not be necessary.  Cleaner air, less driving - a real shift.  Because we see it can be done.

And perhaps a recognition that indeed we are all interconnected, and health of thy neighbor, even in China or Italy or... affects YOU, me, all of us.  Nationalism is not the answer, it's not going to keep us safe.  We need to shift.  To pivot.

But on a personal level at my core, I feel like I've had an Epiphany.  I know I was praying for it and talking about it earlier this year.  I specifically was questioning things as we embarked on 2020.  I was grappling with the notion of self forgiveness.  That's at the core of religion, psychology, good mental health, truly.

I've been trying many times in life to figure out how on earth I end up in the same place stymied in romantic relationships in an endless loop of never enough, then I feel like I'm unworthy and at the same time angry that I wasn't enough, I'm not worth fighting for, discarded and left standing alone on the side of the road...

And then it's about rising and being strong.  It's like a chorus, over and over after exiting a situation that was a loop of drama.

Fuck, I'm strong enough.

I rewatched Captain Marvel again this weekend... and the scene where she gets up every. single. time.  And then realizes all the power, all the answers, they are right there inside her, and she no longer needs to struggle or pivot or be anything other than ALL SHE IS...

Something is happening inside me, one month into stuck at home.  I think at the core of it is integrating my learning about the science and patterns of attachment styles.

There's lots of things we can learn and re-tool.  I'm convinced that I'm not stuck being unhealthy in my love relationships, re-program my brain chemistry, and to recognize that I'm not a robot.  I don't have to get activated.  I don't have to be attracted to men incapable of loving me back because of their own coping mechanisms, and I'm not weak for wanting a relationship, and next time, is the last time.

It's not wrong to want to have someone to walk the rest of the way with...
#intention2020

Mid-life isn't end of life.