Midlife Maven

I've got a friend.  He's only a friend because at this point in your 50's, we're all so jaded we walk around afraid of getting let down again... besides now we're socially distancing. Yesterday was his birthday.  And he had a tough day.  He didn't invite me over, really it is Quarantine, and I think my feelings for him put him off because it's scary.  (Oh I'm scary, I realize. I want the real thing or nothing at all. ) But here's my thoughts.  If you're living your life like an island all year long, and you push everyone away, and having to be there for them is too much so you hide -  you can't have an expectation that people will come out of the woodwork to wish you happy birthday, when you've gotten angry and pushed them all away. Just sayin'.  They're not all fucked up anxious attachment types you've activated, like me, who is trying to show my caring over the last week, even when you bailed on my birthday an hour b...

Perhaps it was the Jupiter and Pluto conjunction. April 4th (and again June 30 and Nov 12) Maybe it's just this unrelenting stress pressing down with the Covid19 putting pressure on us all, with our health and economically. I've got some inkling and ideas that some big changes in the way we work, live, interact may have some lasting deep changes here.  More work from home.  More online get togethers. More understanding that big office buildings and infrastructure might not be necessary.  Cleaner air, less driving - a real shift.  Because we see it can be done. And perhaps a recognition that indeed we are all interconnected, and health of thy neighbor, even in China or Italy or... affects YOU, me, all of us.  Nationalism is not the answer, it's not going to keep us safe.  We need to shift.  To pivot. But on a personal level at my core, I feel like I've had an Epiphany.  I know I was praying for it and talking about it earlier this year....

I haven't written here in so long. LOL, reading the last blog it's so funny.  I was so upset.  Now I give actually zero fucks. And it was a laugh riot to see the woman come from Michigan, and a week later go back to her long-term man.  He came and got her.  I wonder what all these people in this little town think?   Then he was all over with a cougar, at 66, 11 years older than him.  Ok, at least that's more reasonable than your kid, 22 years younger than you.  And then back to the 33 year old (lol 33 = 33 =66) In the background Tammy Wynette is singing "Stand By Your Man" Well, I would have, but today, at the beginning of 2020, I am so, so, so, so glad it ended. All this behavior tells me he was never really my man.  And to be over it feels very very good.  It took 18 months.  Halsey sang my song on Saturday Night Live a few nights back: You should be sad I wanna start this out and say I gotta ge...

Somehow something on Facebook showed me a picture of my still-husband and some new person yesterday... and I really paused and looked last night. Just when I think I'm not caring and can't be surprised... I am all over again. So these last months I've seen him and had mean voicemails about his 33 year old girlfriend... and that appears to have blown up a few weeks ago But the new, upon a little drilling - he's hooked up with the sister of his sister-in-law, the one who got abandoned by his middle brother no one can find, because he owes 66k plus in back child support, and his own kids haven't seen him in over a decade - think how horrible that is for the kids. So this middle aged woman has uprooted her life from Michigan and has moved to the middle of nowhere small town Texas and is flaunting their love like it's the greatest thing since sliced bread. I think I recall this, it's like he's giddy. The desperation and inability to just sit for a ...

It's been a great 12 Days in LA Rainy, dreary cold LA, but LA nonetheless. My son got married in a wonderful ceremony.  I'm so happy he's found an equal, a wonderful life partner.  I've had the chance these last days to see most all of my ex's, or at least someone close to them... Looking back, from the kid's dad, to my 2nd attempt, my good friends who I used to crush on but never went beyond friendship, to my 7-year relationship... it's been a strange but good re-visit. So how did I go so horribly wrong?  That's quite unclear to me.  Was it my core trauma?  The growing pains of a woman vs male dynamics that was out of whack for our generation?  My fear?  My lack of faith? I don't know.  I'm stewing on this all right now. Robert took me to dinner and told me about Ira and Ruth.  A man he used to know, who married Ruth in his early 70's and her in her early 60's - and they had 24 wonderful years together.  So there's sti...

I am rehoming this post from my adoptee site: BROKEN RELATIONSHIPS ARE THE ADOPTEE NORM, RIGHT? Posted on October 10, 2018 I’m going through a divorce.  Married for 3 1/2 years. I’m 53 years old. My 3rd divorce. And I had a long 7-year relationship in there too, that ended in 2011.  So lets call this 4 “real” relationships in my life.  And a few others in there with some deep feelings too.  Yep, like a stream of destruction in my wake… How am I on the road to either Elizabeth Taylor, or the crazy cat lady when that’s so not what I want… or need… or ever my intention?  Did my broken-ness cause this? I read a 2017 post from a fellow adult adoptee and therapist recently. This paragraph really hit me between the eyes: “When rejected, I go weak, lose access to my strengths in a way that can feel dangerous, threatening my life force. All it takes is a conflict with a loved one or the sense I’ve made an unforgivable mistake. I buckle at...